Paul Blart vs. Rick Grimes
Paul Blart vs. Rick Grimes is the sixth death battle for JackytheJack, and it is sure to be a death battle with at least two deaths in it because it's going to kill the writer by the end of this. Anyway, this battle involves Paul Blart, a mall cop from a movie of the same name, fighting Rick Grimes, a former deputy from The Walking Dead. Description Paul Blart vs. The Walking Dead! Two officers of the law enter, but only one will leave. Will Blart be the one to stomp out Grimes and his crimes for good, or will Rick show Paul why he's the true deputy around these parts? Interlude Wiz: Officers. They protect us from all sorts of criminal activity, with a sworn duty to protect the innocent and uphold the rules of society. Truly an honorable role. Boomstick: Wiz, are we doing this? Are we really doing this? Think long and hard about what we're doing Wiz. Are you sure you want to do this. ' Wiz: Yes, Boomstick. We're doing this. Now say your line so we can get on with the show. '''Boomstick: But Wiz! Come on, this is just stupid! ' Wiz: Wiz, if you do this, I will personally go out and buy you a gun of your choice. 'Boomstick: ...a gun of my choice? ' Wiz: Any one you want, Boomstick. '''Boomstick: Paul Blart, the obese mall cop. Wiz: And Rick Grimes, zombie slayer, and a ruthless deputy. Boomstick: He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick, future owner of a minigun! Wiz: Oh dear...and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a death battle. Paul Blart Play Runaway Instrumental Wiz: Paul Blart had been working in the West Orange County mall for ten years, doing his best to protect and ensure the safety of the people there for the entirety of his career. Boomstick: Though, he kind of failed miserably at this, most of the time. He didn't exactly have much of a presence, and his physical fitness certainly didn't help him, and that's why he had to take his segway everywhere. Jeez, he's kind of a loser. ' Wiz: Though, there was one moment, on one faithful day, when Blart could prove himself to the rest of his coworkers, and his peers. One day, his mall had been attacked by people who planned to take all of the mall's money, taking everyone still in the building hostage. '''Boomstick: I'd normally care if this wasn't Paul Blart. Anyway, apparently the only one who hadn't been held hostage was the dumb police officer, Paul Blart, and the fate of the mall rested in Blart's hands. They were screwed. ' Wiz: Or so they thought. You see, with Blart being the main character in a sub-par comedy, he would, of course, save the mall, and save everyone inside of it, as well as apprehend all of the criminals that tried to get away with their crimes. 'Boomstick: And because it's a shitty comedy, Blart shows some fairly impressive feats that no normal human should be capable of. One of these being his insane durability. ' Wiz: Blart has been shown to be surprisingly durable for what he is, which is a nonathletic human being, but despite this he has shown to wield surprising durability. 'Boomstick: It must have been because of all of the fat. Anyway, Paul has been kicked by a horse once, and received absolutely no injury whatsoever, which is a bunch of bullshit, honestly, and he also fell from the roof, to a ballpit, and came out unharmed. ' Wiz: Keep in mind that the criminal who fell with Blart had received injuries after falling down the same exact height, so seeing that Blart took no injuries is a very impressive feat. He's even strong enough to headbutt someone and knock them out, though he doesn't pull this off without getting a little daze. 'Boomstick: Yeah, and somehow he has some kind of stealth skill? Considering he could sneak around a mall filled with criminals without being detected...somehow. Though, enough about his strengths. Let's talk about his arsenal. ' Wiz: Oh, you mean things like his standard issue taser, which can- '''Boomstick: Stop right there Wiz! If I'm going to have to sit through this stupid analysis, then ''I ''get to be the one who talks about his arsenal! Wiz: Oh, uh, sure, Boomstick. Knock yourself out. Boomstick: And I will, too! Maybe it'll save me from this dumpster fire of a fight. Anyway, Paul Blart's got his standard issue taser, which, while holding a voltage of 50,000 in an open air arc, only delivers about twelve hundred volts of electricity, which I think is bullshit. What's the point of having it, then? ' Wiz: Well, Boomstick, it's supposed to be a nonlethal weapon. Paul Blart's job is to protect people, not kill them. '''Boomstick: Sometimes to protect the populace, you gotta do a bit of killing, Wiz. Anyway, Blart's also got a gun that can shoot pellets to knock a guy out given time, or just be annoying, and two launchers. One launcher shoots glue, and the other shoots marbles, both made to slow down their opponent. None of these weapons kill, and that's why this is going to be such a boring fight. ' Wiz: Boomstick, we've seen plenty of fights without lethal weapons that actually turn out well. Just look at fights with Batman. Anyway, Paul's got a few weaknesses going for him, like the fact that he...honestly isn't that fast. Or that smart. There's a reason he has to use a segway to go everywhere in the mall. He can't realistically run everywhere. '''Boomstick: Not only that, but he also has some condition called Hyper...hypo...hippo...hippogay... Wiz: Hypoglycemia. Boomstick: I knew that! Anyway, because of his condition, he has to constantly eat sweets or else he gets tired and could possibly pass out if he goes too long without any sugary snacks. Though, because he's the main character of a shitty comedy, he always finds what he needs in the end. ' Wiz: Just goes to show how Paul Blart is one of the best, and luckiest, mall cops on the job. ''Shows scene of Paul Blart getting injured and having to put a Hello Kitty bandage on his wound. '' 'Rick Grimes Cue Mercy of the Living Wiz: Rick Grimes was originally your normal, everyday deputy from King County, Georgia. However, all of that would change during one of his attempts to apprehend a criminal. Boomstick: Yeah, Rick ended up getting shot in the middle of all of the action, and he had slipped into a coma for about a month, but for Rick, I bet it was probably just a power nap. ' Wiz: I'm sure it was more than a power nap. Anyway, when Rick woke up, it was hell on earth. The dead were walking, shambling corpses that would feast on the first person that they could get their rotten hands on. Truly, all hell had broken loose. '''Boomstick: After fighting his way out of the entire hospital, filled with infected, by the way, Rick would run into a guy named Glenn. Glenn was a nice guy, and offered Rick a chance to go to the camp that he was set up in. Because the plot demanded it, Rick's wife and kids were also at the camp. Seriously, he can't get any luckier. ' Wiz: After getting to the camp, Rick would find form new friendships with other survivors, and eventually he'd become the leader of his own group of survivors, all eyes on him to figure out what to do. 'Boomstick: Which still isn't all that bad, to be honest. Anyway, to sum the rest of this up, Rick began to lose it after just about everyone he cared for got killed in a gunfight involving the guy who cut his hand off, The Governor. Well, in the comics he cut Rick's hand off. The show just won't do it.. ' Wiz: Rick's sanity continues to drain as he goes through the apocalypse, and...well, that's basically all you need to know right now. We're going to go into the feats, though. Boomstick, you wanna talk about this? 'Boomstick: Oh boy, yes I do! Rick's main weapon is his revolver, a Colt Python, capable of holding six bullets in a cylinder. He's also got his trusty handaxe, SMGs, which he can use because of his hand replacement he had gotten in the comic, as well as Riot gear, a hunting rifle, and a hell of a lot of other things. He's got firepower for days. ' Wiz: Not only that, but Rick's feats are incredibly impressive. He's survived getting his hand cut off, the bullet wound that would put him into a coma, took a beating from the Governor, the Terminus incident, a frag grenade explosion, and even survived a fall of at least eighteen feet onto solid concrete. 'Boomstick: Rick is also physically strong. He was once thrown into a pit with a super walker, which is basically a zombie covered in metal and spikes, and took it down with nothing but his bare hands. Rick is a badass. ' Wiz: However, that doesn't even hold a candle to his marksman skills. He's able to get constant headshots on every kind of opponent, and can even shoot individual fingers off a person's hand in total darkness, while being at least twelve feet away from his target. 'Boomstick: Jesus Christ what?! This son of a bitch could give Hawkeye a run for his money! ' Wiz: However, even with his incredibly impressive feats and attributes, Rick has his weaknesses. 'Boomstick: I knew it was too good to be true. Yeah, Rick does have his weaknesses. He's not skilled with hand to hand combat, and actually got beaten by Tyreese, that and he also seems to rely on his other team members to kill things sometimes? I don't know why. He seems to be doing a pretty damn good job himself. ' Wiz: Not only that, but he can sometimes get overconfident with himself and his abilities, and his anger could possibly get the better of him if it keeps him from being level headed. 'Boomstick: Though, despite all that, Rick is one of the best deputies to have on the job. Hell, he's even a meme! ' Rick: CAAAARL! ''Pre-battle'' Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all! '''Boomstick: It's not really much of a debate, is it? Wiz: Boomstick? Say the line... Boomstick: What? Oh, yeah. It's time for a death battle. Woo. (sigh) The things I do for guns, man... ''Death Battle! '''After the zombie apocalypse, in the West Orange County Mall' Rick was currently walking through an old abandoned mall. Well, at least, it was supposed to be abandoned, but for some reason there didn't seem to be any signs of decay. There were a few toppled over boxes here and there, and maybe a couple of stores that were closed down permanantly, but other than that, the place seemed to have held up nicely. Made him begin to wonder if there were any survivors here. Maybe some that needed his help. However, the apparent neatness of it all didn't exactly put Rick off guard, as he still had his trusty revolver out and ready to fire if need be. He didn't see any sign of walkers yet, but you can never be too careful in a crazy world full of shambling corpses. That's his motto. ...A long motto at that, but it was a motto nonetheless. Don't judge his mottos, dammit. "Excuse me, sir!" Rick turned on a dime and looked towards the source of the noise. On the upper parts of the mall, there was a man who was standing on...a segway? This far into the apocalypse? His officer uniform was even in great shape. How the hell...? "There aren't any guns allowed in the mall. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "No guns?" Rick brought his arms outward in an 'are you kidding me' gesture as he looked around. Alright, so far this guy just seemed crazy. Not a good sign. "Haven't you seen the outside world, bud? There's walking corpses out there. You need a gun to protect yourself, you know." "Okay, sir, I understand that, but you still need to get out of this mall. You're not allowed to have fire arms around here. I understand if you're from down south or whatever. Gun laws aren't exactly strict or whatever, but-" "Listen, I ain't leaving this mall. I just want to talk to ya." Rick gestured at the main with his gun before pointing it at the spot next to him. This man had to be insane... "So, how about you come down here, and we can have a few conversations. Maybe trade some resources. You see, I got a group of friends that sort of-" "Alright, sir, if you're not going to leave," the cop then reached down and grabbed...was that a shotgun!? "I'm going to have to make you leave. Sorry." Fight! Detroit Rock City! There was a sudden blasting sound that filled the air as the cop pulled the trigger. Luckily, Rick had already reacted to the gun being pointed at him, and began to hide behind one of the benches that was still in fairly good condition. He didn't know how a normal mall cop had gotten a gun (which he assumed was completely real), but he was going to have to find a way around that. Rick would then lean out from behind his bench and aim his revolver up towards where he had saw the mall cop. He saw a bit of the man (well more than a bit, as he was a bit heavyset), and opened fire. Rick could faintly hear a yelp of surprise from the mallcop as he seemed to drop down to the ground. Great. If it was a gunfight he wanted, then a gunfight he'd get. The deputy's eyes quickly looked around for anything that he could use for cover, but he couldn't find anything except for some boxes of whatever this mall had been carrying before the apocalypse had come about. How did this guy even manage to keep all of this stuff in crates? Without it going bad, too? This place had to be magical or something. Rick shook his head and quickly pointed his gun back up at the mall cop. He saw a bit of flesh, and he shot at it. He heard a scream of pain barely a second after firing, and it definitely sounded like he had hit the guy. Rick chuckled to himself as he looked at his gun. Four bullets left before he had to reload this thing, which does leave him open. Great.. "You're going to get more where that came from, big guy!" Rick shouted out as he fired again. He tried to shoot the man through the barrier that served as a safety rail for people on the top floor, but it didn't seem like he hit anything. There wasn't even a scream of pain. Waste of a bullet. "I'm just getting started, criminal!" The mall cop suddenly shot back up and aimed another gun he seemingly got out of nowhere at Rick. He pulled the trigger and a glob of white...stuff, came flying at Rick. The deputy quickly ducked down behind his cover again. He heard multiple 'plops' as what he assumed was more globs of material came flying towards him, though he came out unscathed through it all. "You missed, bud!" the Deputy laughed as he got back up on his feet. he couldn't have much more in that weird gun of his. Now all he had to do was aim the shot and- He suddenly got hit in the face by what seemed to be rubber pellets or something. They all hit him dead on in the face, and they all hurt like hell. Well, at least they weren't actual bullets. Still, the sudden attack made him take a few steps back and-what did he just step in? "What have you been shooting at me?!" Rick asked as he aimed his gun once more. He fired two more shots in the direction of where he was shooting prior, in a vain attempt to hit something. More wasted bullets. They didn't hit anything, because the man had already been coming down the stairs on his segway, on some sort of makeshift ramp system that he must have made at some point during the apocalypse. Of course. Why the hell not? "It's glue, you criminal. Now, it's time to feel the pain!" Paul Blart then charged directly at Rick with his segway. Rick only had one bullet left, and he aimed it forward and tried to get another shot in. He had managed to hit the wheel of Blart's segway. It didn't do much except cause the thing to spin out as it rammed into him. Rick was now going on a ride with the segway, gripping onto the handle bars in order to not get run over by the vehicle. Last Man Standing - People in Planes "Hands off the police vehicle!" the mall cop shouted as he began to punch at Rick's face repeatedly, bruising what already wasn't bruised as he tried to push Rick off of his segway. Rick held on tight, however, and began to put a hand behind him to grab at the smg that he had brought with him. He would have succesfully grabbed it, had it not been for the fact that the man had pulled out a bottle of hot sauce(?) and dropped it into his eyes. Rick cried out in pain as his grip on the segway gave up, just in time for the vehicle to ram him into the wall. Okay, his back was definitely going to hurt by the end of this. Shit... "Alright, criminal," Rick could hear the familiar crackling of electricity that he had recognized from his old deputy days. A taser? He even had one of those, too? "Not only did you bring your firearm in a firearm prohibited place, but you also discharged it, you assaulted an officer, and you attempted to kill me. Have anything to say for yourself?" Rick look up at Paul, eyes still stinging from the hot sauce, and chuckled at him. A grin spread across his face as he slowly reached a hand behind his back. "Just one thing. If you think I can go down this easily...well..." Suddenly Paul would feel a sharp pain in his leg. He screamed and looked down to see an axe embedded in his leg. Rick would then pull it out and chop into the officer's other leg, causing him to fall. "You're just fooling yourself." Rick chuckled even more as he opened the cylinder to his revolver, taking his time to put in one bullet. By the time he had loaded his bullet into the chamber, the mall cop had tried to get back up, and he was currently sitting up right now. Rick ficed that situation by taking his axe and chopping it into the cop's back. He let out another scream of pain, but this one was short lived as Rick shot him in the back of the head. Blart slumped over and fell to his side, dead. Rick shook his head, letting out a 'tsk tsk' as he stared at the body. "And to think we could have talked this through." Rick shook his head and walked back out. He should tell the group about this. K.O! The final scene shows Rick bringing his group into the mall, talking about maybe setting up shop here, or at least raiding the supplies. 'Outcome' Sunshine 'Boomstick: I mean, are any of you surprised by this? Seriously, anyone? Because I'm not. ' Wiz: While Blart's durability was impressive, and he could certainly take a lot of punishment, Rick could just dish out more punishment than Blart could ever handle. 'Boomstick: I mean, what did you expect? Rick's also got so much more experience than Blart every would without getting into an apocalypse himself. Rick's taken down thousands of walkers, and a good chunk of them he was on his own. He's killed the super walker with his bare hands, after all! And he definitely isn't short on human kills. ' Wiz: Not only that, but Rick's marksmanship could surpass Blart plenty of times over, and considering that all of Blart's ranged weapons weren't lethal...at all, he didn't really have many ways of killing Rick, and Rick had so much more killing capacity. Blart could slow down Rick as much as he wanted, but his death would be inevitable. 'Boomstick: I guess you could say Rick stays unpunished for his Grimes. Heh. Get it? Crimes and...Grimes. heh. ' Wiz: The winner is Rick Grimes. Category:'Hero vs. Hero' Themed Death Battle Category:Gun vs. Fist Themed Death Battles Category:Movie vs TV shows theme Death battle Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Series Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Companies Category:Human vs Human themed DEATH BATTLEs Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2018 Category:Jackythejack